Ipl's Jokes For The Day~!!

[IronpumpedLady]

~WORK VS PRISON~

In prison: You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At work: You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison: You get three meals a day.
At work: You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison: You get time off for good behavior.
At work: You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison: A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work: You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison: You can watch TV and play games.
At work: You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison: You get your own toilet.
At work: You have to share.

In prison: They allow your family and friends to visit.
At work: You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison: All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work: You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison: You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
At work: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

In prison: There are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work: They are called supervisors.

In prison: You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
At work: You get fired if you get caught.

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IF MEN RULED THE WORLD~
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

9. Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words "Ally McNaked."

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in: Cop:"You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sport car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're#1!".

20. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out

21. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."

22. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

23. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

24. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

25. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

26. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

________________________________
Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing...

"Susie, dear," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythe's place."

"But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susie. "Daddy says he always eats like a horse!"


_________________________________
A phone rings at KGB headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the KGB?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his fire wood."

"This will be noted."

The next day, the KGB goons visit Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the fire wood is kept, break every piece of wood there, but find no diamonds. They swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.

The phone then rings at Rabinovitz's house.

"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"

"Yes."

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

______________________

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the butt that I may have to kiss tomorrow.




Stay Strong~~!!!
IPL

[Pj-Macx]

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.


I should put that in my sig.....