Ipl's Jokes For The Day~!!

[IronpumpedLady]

THE FISHING TRIP~
A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ...

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies," that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip."

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17 FATAL THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT~
17. "I finished the Oreos."
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!"
12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:


1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

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A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

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DON'T FALL ASLEEP IN CHURCH~
A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all there is in six days and rested on the seventh," she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!"

The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to, "And who died on the cross to save us from our sins," the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, "And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, "I f you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"

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A POEM FOR THE MEN~!!!!

MY PILOT LIGHT IS OUT~
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!




Stay Strong~~!!!
IPL